Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts

I can't go a day without hearing somebody prefacing a sentence with "I'm not gonna lie...". In short, I hate this.

In long, I don't expect you to lie a lot. I don't even expect you to lie a little. You don't have to say "I'm not gonna lie..." before everything you say. If you don't know somebody who says this 1. you're lucky and 2. here are some examples.

I'm not gonna lie... I love these shoes.

I'm not gonna lie... I really want to see that.

I'm not gonna lie... I am ambivalent towards the Darfur situation.

I'm not gonna lie... that Rebeka is a bitch.

Now that last one might warrant an "INGL", but when you use it in front of every opinion it starts to lose it's meaning. Where did this phrase come from you may ask? Good question. Let me know when you find out. And look up when "throw ____ under the bus" gained popularity. Who is committing the mass hit-and-runs?

Anyways, I have another question for you. How often do you expect to be lied to? Why does everybody have to make sure the person they are talking to knows that they aren't lying? Have we become so fraudulent that we must insist that our co-conversationalists understand that we are being honest? The answer, it seems, is yes.

So I am hereby instituting a new rule for myself. Feel free to adopt it and help rid the world of "INGL". From now on, if somebody says "INGL" to me twice in one conversation I will assume that the rest of what they say is a lie. Furthermore, I will lie throughout the conversation and not tell a single truth. So be prepared.

You can actually go uphill both ways. As in: "When I was your age, I had to walk to school ten miles away. I had to dodge lava and dinosaurs. And it was uphill both ways." There it is! "Uphill both ways." This is always tacked on to the end of a "you don't know how good you have it" lesson to make a point. Everybody knows that you can't go uphill both ways, right?

Right?

WRONG!

Picture this. There is a hill. Your house is on this hill. It is a small hill and only your house fits on the top of it. Any way you go from the house it is downhill. Then picture a mile (or ten, and don't forget the lava and dinosaurs) away, another, similar hill. On top of that hill is another house, similar to your own. Now pretend you are walking from your house on top of your hill, past the lava and the dinosaurs, and start walking up the hill to the other house. Now play and have fun. It's late now, and you need to go home to have dinner. Walk down the hill from the house you are at now to the dinosaurs. They are sleeping because it is late, but don't forget about the lava, it never sleeps. Finally, you reach your own house on it's hill. You have to walk up the hill to get in, right. So you walked uphill both ways! TA DA!